The Natural Cycle of Life, Love, and Mental Illness

        This was just before the winter began in Edmonton. Look for summer photos soon!

 

Poetry For My Fellows (blog to follow)

 

I thought I had gotten

As well as could be

But the voices and cravings

Got the better of me

 

Slowly the world shifted

Somehow I was at its core

I won’t give you excuses

I just won’t speak of it anymore

 

When you lose you mind

It doesn’t go all in one day

But it will strike you blind

No matter what people say

 

Yes I went crazy

Yes I was insane

No I did not choose it

This imbalanced brain

 

I want to be normal

Have kids and a wife

But most people don’t even trust me

With a dull butter knife

 

It’s hard to keep going

Alone and hopped up on meds

Writing weird poems

While everyone rests in their beds

L. Gregersen, May 8, 2018

Well, it has been a good and bad day. My head is reeling a bit because I have been working very hard and denying myself a lot of things and then I went and gave away $630.00 that I don’t think I will ever get back. I find it so hard to not be generous with people I care about. The fact is that it doesn’t hurt me much to give away that money, I just really feel a bit foolish about it.

Today I went for an eight kilometre walk, then later went swimming and to be honest I feel great. It’s just that I really don’t know if I will even sleep tonight. It sometimes seems this blog only gets written if I can’t sleep, but often it does seem to help. I have to do a presentation tomorrow and I also have to drop off some stuff with my brother. I have to admit feeling a bit lost because my Dad is in Denmark right now and I have come to really depend on him. I used to think he was an awful, cruel person, but now I just see him as a sweet, caring man who used to have an anger problem and is dealing with it. He also went through hell to quit drinking and since my Mom passed away he has done some incredibly kind things for me. I have to admit to having an anger problem of my own that meditation is helping me to deal with. I also am going to sign up for therapy soon after I come back from Toronto late this month.

I just can’t believe how far I have come. Sometimes I think about being killed in a car accident or something and I really feel confident that I have done enough to have led a worthwhile life. One of the big things for me was that I wanted my words to live beyond my simple existence, and in many ways I have accomplished that. I have even had two of my short poems sandblasted into the sidewalk in my neighbourhood for all to see. As a kid I always thought that the really amazing writers, the greats, never really die because their words go on. I also feel really happy because I seem to have gotten myself into a state of balance, a state of recovery in my mental illness. I wish I could bottle up this feeling and give a little bit of it to the young people who are still struggling, let them know that there is a lot of hope and that it is so important to keep fighting the illness (bipolar/schizophrenia/all others) because the human mind and body is so amazing and adaptable that although it may take a lot of time, life can be so good, and I do feel that life is precious and that all of us are loved. Hope that helps a bit dear readers! Stay with me and keep your membership to this website, I am planning some awesome changes in content and structure soon after I return from my trip!

 

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